Sunday, February 17, 2013

Open Letter From Texas

Dear Wealthy Californians --

On behalf of those people of Texas who still retain a modicum of common sense, by which I mean all of us except for Governor Perry, I would like to rescind the offer which he has so graciously but injudiciously extended to you. You see, the whole thing is a really, really bad idea. I'm not sure what my governor is thinking, or even if he is even capable of actual thought in light of his horrendously bad suggestion.

Over the years, I have met many Californians who have moved here to Texas, usually for a job, which they were apparently incapable of finding in their home state. Invariably, they have taken it upon themselves to inform me just how awful Texas is, and how much better it would be if Texas were more like California. In that respect, they have a great deal in common with the Mexicans I meet here. The irony of their position does not seem to dawn on them, but never mind, that is another subject for another time.

Much as it pains me to say this, their complaints are largely correct. Texas is full of very ignorant people. For example, there are still people here who think homosex is wrong, even when done in public, and wouldn't have the slightest clue how to properly accessorize S&M apparel.

We don't, in general, embrace the enlightened ideals of government which you favor, such as enormous tax burdens and deficit spending to fund important public initiatives like sex change operations and massive welfare spending. People here tend to think that spending more than you take in is generally a bad idea anyway, but worse if you happen to be a government. I may know as well as you that, although your present difficulty centers around a few accounting quirks in making this particular strategy work for you, nevertheless I'm confident you'll figure them out at some point. But here in our backwards state, that kind of thing is looked down on, and it is not generally believed that you can get around things like arithmetic.

In general, I'm not a big government kind of guy, either, but in this case I do think I could get behind what I see as the only real solution to the 'California conundrum.' I propose that the Army Corps of Engineers dig a large moat around California, and fill it with radioactive waste. And pirannhas. And maybe land-mine the western half of Nevada.

Because, you see, the problem with California as it seems to me is that there is just not enough commitment to its ideals. People embrace these kinds of innovative ideas, but then as soon as things start getting exciting, and the results of all these great plans start coming to fruition, they get all weak-kneed and want to bail out. How can anybody really accomplish anything great if he loses his nerve just when things start to get a little sketchy? No -- California and her people need to ride this train clear to the station, and I and I believe other Texans, and probably people from many other states, are fully committed to helping motivate Californians and steel their jittery nerves at this time of indecision to see things through to the end.

But coming to Texas is just a stupid idea. What, really, does Texas have to offer? It won't accomplish anything. You won't like it here, and we won't like you being here.

Seriously, don't come.

Truly and Sincerely Yours,


P.S.  OK, you're right.  The real reason I don't want you here is that I'm not so keen on the idea of bringing into my state a whole bunch of people who have managed to utterly ruin what otherwise sounds like a really wonderful place.  Texas isn't perfect, it has its own problems certainly, even some major ones, but one thing we sure don't need is a massive influx of foolishness.

And we don't really need your money, either.  Have you considered Florida?  Or maybe Virginia or New Hampshire?  They sound pretty nice.


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you, Colonel. I do very much wish to return to regular blogging at some point, but I'm afraid it may be some time before I can have much more than a sporadic Internet presence. Just too much going on, and I'm not keeping up very well.